10 Things the Guidebooks Don’t Tell you About Disney

Ten Things About Disney

10. If it’s really the happiest place on earth, why wasn’t Prince Charming standing by my bed every damn morning with a giant cup of Starbucks? Seriously, I have written a note to Disney with this suggestion.  The lack of good coffee in this place is ASTOUNDING.  You want parents to be happy right?  Happy parents do not blink at the prospect of standing in line for 40 minutes to ride Space Mountain.  Again.  Happy parents do not grumble when asked for a $9 bottle of water.  Happy parents buy more overpriced souvenirs for their children.  Just sayin’…

9. If your son wants to stand in line to get Ariel’s autograph, do it.  After seeing nothing but girls for weeks on end, the Little Mermaid could not get enough of Jack.  Especially when he kissed her cheek. Watch out Prince Eric…

8. I managed to go 7 years without cursing in front of my kids (which, in my opinion, is perhaps my greatest parenting feat). I didn’t make it 15 minutes at Disney.

7. Go with your friend. Your oldest and best. And all your kids who adore each other.  Wing the whole damn trip.  And hang out on your balcony every night drinking and laughing and disturbing all your neighbors. It will be the best time you’ve ever had.

6. Half the people who go to Disney don’t have kids. Who goes to Disneyworld without kids?  I’m a big fan of traveling with my kids.  I don’t really want to travel without them.  But if I did have the inclination to vacation without them, it sure as shit wouldn’t be at Disney.

5. The other half are wearing sweatshirts airbrushed with pictures and dates of every Disney trip they have ever taken. True. Story.

4. When I looked at these people quizzically, they looked back equally puzzled that I was wearing Lilly Pulitzer.  Touche.

3. It’s totally true – the service is phenomenal. But by the end of the week, if one more person told me to “have a magical day,” Billy would have had to have bailed me out of jail.

2. They serve booze at every park except Magic Kingdom. I am happy to tell you which lines are the shortest for buying your husband coffee with Kahlua at 9am. Everybody wins in that situation.

1. Everything you thought was fun when you were a kid is more fun as a parent. Even the Dumbo ride. What makes it magical isn’t the rides. Or the characters. Or the $9 bottles of water. It’s being with your kids on a vacation that is all about them.