Emily Post Would Be Appalled

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To the 4 women who were in line at the Starbucks this morning,

I am speechless. Actually that’s the biggest lie I have ever told. I have so much to say that my mouth cannot keep up with my brain. I have never seen a bigger collection of ill-mannered, entitled, ungrateful, inconsiderate clowns in my life.

Keep in mind, for the last 7 years, I have spent all my waking hours with children. And before that I was an attorney litigating high stakes cases against the most arrogant plaintiffs’ attorneys in the world who would ROUTINELY say things like: “I’m sorry I am 2 hours late to this deposition – my private plane couldn’t get clearance to land.”  True. Story. Read more...

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Cheers

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When I was a kid, the end of the school year was brutal. I was ready for a languid, lazy summer by mid-April.  My brain, which generally fired on all 4 cylinders, was limping toward the finish line on a flat tire and a crappy suspension. The days were warm and my feet were sore.  The idea of finishing my diorama on Jamestown was more torturous than being trapped in a pit of snakes.

Turns out I still feel that way.

The moms who drove our carpool back then must have sensed this fatigue because at least once a week that last month of school, one of them would stop on the way home and get us Slurpees. Everyone had a favorite concoction. Mine was a Coke Slurpee with a thin layer of cherry in the middle. Read more...

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It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog

It’s that time of year. The warm weather spells a deathknell for all sorts of fun for our family. Warm weather means blisters. Lots of them. Warm weather means the carefree running around that the boys and I enjoy in the cold must be once again shelved until the winter months return. When it’s 90 degrees, even walking through the parking lot causes blisters.

I can handle it. I know my limitations. I know when to say “no I can’t do that” – even if I really want to. I know how to be okay with being different. I know that it made me stronger – even if it hurt in the process.  I know how to compartmentalize disappointment and pain.  I’ll survive. Read more...

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Ten Things No One Told You About Motherhood

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10. You know how you were able to sleep through fire alarms at 11am in college? Forget it sister. You will now bolt straight out of bed if you hear a sigh. That’s right, a sigh. Because apparently one of the side effects of labor is developing supersonic hearing.

9. Laundry will be the bane of your existence. You will empty all the hampers, do 5 loads of laundry – none of which is yours of course because you would rather re-wear white pants covered in coffee, chocolate, and ketchup than wash One. More. F*&%ing. Thing.  As you fold and put away that 5th load, you think you’ve won. And then you realize that in the span of 3 hours, all the hampers are FULL again. Read more...

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Ten Impossible Things I Want For My Birthday

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Since my birthday and Mother’s Day are always within a few days of each other, it’s that time of year when my family hounds me incessantly about what they can get me. My answer is always “a card.” Because once you hit the age of 35, you spend all your time trying to get shit OUT of your house. This is usually an exercise in futility but at least I can try to stem the tide of more stuff coming in. (Except for the stuff I’ve already gotten of course. I love all that stuff. Really). Read more...

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