Ten Impossible Things I Want For My Birthday


Since my birthday and Mother’s Day are always within a few days of each other, it’s that time of year when my family hounds me incessantly about what they can get me. My answer is always “a card.” Because once you hit the age of 35, you spend all your time trying to get shit OUT of your house. This is usually an exercise in futility but at least I can try to stem the tide of more stuff coming in. (Except for the stuff I’ve already gotten of course. I love all that stuff. Really).

Nonetheless, in the spirit of cooperation, I have come up the following list. Please note if you are going to be offended that world peace isn’t on the list, just stop reading now. Also, we can no longer be friends.

10. I want to be 22 again just so I can drink again for one night without instantaneously throwing up. I’m not greedy. One hazy stupid night will suffice.

9. I want all the crap that is around my house and, apparently MULTIPLYING in the dead of night, to magically vanish. Poof. Forever.

8. Two words: Laundry Robot

7. A car that is clean enough that I will allow other people to get in it. This will never happen.

6. Sleep. I want to sleep in. Every year I ask for this and every year, Billy says “absolutely – just wake me up when the boys wake up and you can go back to sleep.” First of all, every mother knows that once you’re awake, you’re AWAKE. There’s no going back to sleep. Second, who are we kidding? Trying to wake Billy up is like trying to wake the dead. It’s just easier to get them their damn cheerios myself.

5. I want the Michigan State game back. I want Appleton to actually get called for the flagrant foul he committed by clocking Tevon Jones. I want two shots for the tie and the ball to Joe Harris for a three. For the win. I want to go back to the hotel and celebrate with the team. And Tony Bennett. (C’mon, did you think I’d have a birthday post without him?)

4. I want there to be two seasons of sports – football and basketball – that last all twelve months. That’s it.

3. I want to eat a cupcake (and by a cupcake, I mean 8) from Sugar Plum without seeing some post on Facebook mentioning the words lard, hydrogenated, or genetically modified in the same sentence as the devil.

2. I want my closet to look like Lilly Pulitzer threw up all over it.

1. I really just want cards. Homemade cards with glitter glue and multicolored crap all over them. In orange and blue. Naturally.


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