10. You know how you were able to sleep through fire alarms at 11am in college? Forget it sister. You will now bolt straight out of bed if you hear a sigh. That’s right, a sigh. Because apparently one of the side effects of labor is developing supersonic hearing.
9. Laundry will be the bane of your existence. You will empty all the hampers, do 5 loads of laundry – none of which is yours of course because you would rather re-wear white pants covered in coffee, chocolate, and ketchup than wash One. More. F*&%ing. Thing. As you fold and put away that 5th load, you think you’ve won. And then you realize that in the span of 3 hours, all the hampers are FULL again.
And then you shove another handful of M&M’s in your face and wipe your hands on your white pants that you’re probably going to wear tomorrow too.
8. The floor of your car will always be covered in Cheerios. You can try to vacuum it but resistance is futile. Trust me, you’ll be glad when someone gets hungry halfway to school and you forgot breakfast.
7. Once you have a child, you want to mother everyone. The little kid at the park whose mom is too busy on her phone to push her on the swings? Yeah, you go over and push her swing while you call CPS. The teenager who tries to pass off underwear as shorts? You pull her aside in front of Forever 21 and give her money for real pants. Your friend who only eats frozen pizzas? You show up with three lasagnas and a whole chicken for his fridge.
6. You do indeed grow eyes in the back of your head. I don’t know how but it’s awesome.
5. You will tell yourself that milk chocolate peanut M&M’s are a complete meal because they have dairy, protein, and carbs. And you will believe it.
4. You will never go to the bathroom alone again. Don’t try to understand. Just accept it.
3. You can no longer watch any movie or TV show where someone even looks at a kid the wrong way without bursting into tears. I can’t even hear the music from Law & Order SVU without having a full blown panic attack.
2. You will ALWAYS leave the house 30 minutes after you think you will.
When you have a baby, it’s because he will wait until the minute you are stepping over the threshold to either (1) projectile vomit EVERYWHERE or (2) have a blowout diaper. This then necessitates complete outfit changes for everyone in the whole family. By now, the baby is hungry so you have to feed him. And after he eats, well, let’s just say the whole vicious cycle starts again.
When your kids are older, it’s because they will wait until you open the front door to tell you they have to go to the bathroom. Along the way, they will remember they can’t find that toy/book they can’t live without for the 5 minute car ride to the post office. Searching for said toy/book will make them hungry and thirsty so they need to get water and a snack. And then, well, the vicious cycle starts again. We once tried to leave the house to go to breakfast. Swear to God, by the time we got there it was dinner.
1. When your child comes to you crying hysterically because he cannot fathom why ANYONE would EVER go to college, you will say – and mean it with every fiber in your being – “you can live with me forever.”
Because the truth is, despite everything, actually, because of it, you cannot bear the thought that one day your car will be Cheerio-free, that you will go days without doing laundry, that you will sleep past 7am, that you will wear clothes that aren’t streaked with food and crayons, that you won’t spend your days going to aquariums and parks and having light saber battles and reading 100 books snuggled up in bed. Your heart simply cannot bear the idea that this little perfect creature will grow up and leave.
And you hold him close and smell the odd mixture of syrup and dirt in his hair, and you forget everything in the world except how much you love him.
And then you start another load of laundry…
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