Emily Post Would Be Appalled


To the 4 women who were in line at the Starbucks this morning,

I am speechless. Actually that’s the biggest lie I have ever told. I have so much to say that my mouth cannot keep up with my brain. I have never seen a bigger collection of ill-mannered, entitled, ungrateful, inconsiderate clowns in my life.

Keep in mind, for the last 7 years, I have spent all my waking hours with children. And before that I was an attorney litigating high stakes cases against the most arrogant plaintiffs’ attorneys in the world who would ROUTINELY say things like: “I’m sorry I am 2 hours late to this deposition – my private plane couldn’t get clearance to land.”  True. Story.

So kudos to you for setting the bar even lower than that.

I thought about reasoning with all four of you and telling you how kindness demonstrates respect for the individual to whom you are speaking. I considered giving you a lecture about how manners and civility are the backbone of society. But I realized it would be a waste. Instead I will speak to you in a language you will understand.

1. Say please and thank you.
I’ll start you off easy. When you want something, say “please may I have…?” and when you receive the item, say “thank you.” This is not rocket science. My children had mastered this concept by the time they were two.  We have even taught fucking chimpanzees how to say please and thank you. You don’t want to be shown up by a chimp do you?

2. Acknowledge that the other person exists.

Again, not rocket science. You can smile, or say good morning, or even hey. You may not, under any circumstances, barge up to the counter and speak only in commands. I don’t even talk to my dog like that. Except when he eats his own poop.  So unless the person in front of you is eating his own poop, be nice.  I promise that smiling will not undo all the work your plastic surgeon has done.

3. Unless there is a medical emergency, do not use your cell phone in public.

NO ONE – especially the woman trying to take your order and the nine people waiting in line behind you – wants to hear you indignantly complain to the person on the other end about how the resort in Barbados isn’t going to kick someone out of a suite just because you want it. No. One. Besides, for all you know, we are all just a band of would-be robbers waiting to steal your shit while you’re gone (June 13th if anyone is curious). So unless you are the leader of the free world or a transplant surgeon waiting for a cooler full of organs, wait the 5 damn minutes until you are in your car to talk on the phone.

4. Do not bark a bunch of rapid-fire, complicated orders at the person behind the counter and then roll your eyes and make “the noise” when she reads them back to you to make sure they are accurate.a

First of all, if you had to read them from a text message because you couldn’t remember them yourself, cut the girl some slack. Second, be grateful that she cares enough to ensure your order is correct. Because you know good and well that if one of your 6 drinks had even a dollop of froth out of place, you would have lost your shit.

5. When someone holds a door open for you, smile and say thank you.

Do not simply breeze through with your nose in the air as if my permanent job is to be the Starbucks doorman.  If common courtesy isn’t enough, self-preservation should be. Because if you do it again, I will accidentally let go of the door, causing your Venti Chai Tea Latte, 6 Pump, Skim Milk, No Foam, Extra Hot (I am not making this up) to spill all over your Jimmy Choos.